Tuesday, 26 June 2012

Demons of the past

Today I decided to go back to the gym. I've been away, then the Gym been undergoing some refurbishment, so for past 2 weeks I've focused on my DVD circuits, which was just as good for my body as running, but still I missed my little addiction.
It felt fantastic to feel this adrenaline again. As my feet were hitting the surface and familiar hormone started circulating in my blood I felt happier and happier. Stress of past few days, all worries and concerns slowly started disappearing. I don't think I will ever understand how it happens, that such a basic movement can make me feel so great.
In my ears, the running tracks changed into Laura Marling's angelic voice singing about hope. It meant cool down time. Tracks on my iPod are timed to match the length of my run, taking away the danger of overdoing it and hurting myself.
As I moved onto slow uphill walk, she walked onto the treadmill next to me. I've noticed her sad, far to big for the skeletal face, eyes in the mirror in front of us. Her pale skin looked like it's about to break open, letting the bones and veins out. Over sized clothes made her look even smaller and weaker than she was. She slowly started moving, straight into slow jog, without letting her body warm up first. As her t-shirt moved with her, I could see her hip bones, not covered by anything other than skin. But it's her eyes that told the story. I've seen sadness, pain and disappointment, as she tried to speed up, but malnourished joints refused to listen to her. I could see her eyes darkening with anger, then filling with tears. She didn't let them go. Keeping the brave face is what we all do best after all. Keep going, keep pushing, we think.
I say we with a reason. I was, I am her. Looking at this lonely, little creature next to me, brought all demons back. The invisible door to the room I've locked them in opened, letting beasts run wild and free.
I looked down. I didn't want to watch her. I didn't want to remember. I pushed demons back into the room, I don't need them, don't want them back. 
As timer counted down to end of my cool down, I felt calmer. I wanted to go. For the first time in ages I was itching to leave my favourite place in this town - gym. (Yes, I know, sounds sad, but there isn't really anywhere in this town I feel better). 
I changed quickly, nearly running to the exit. I glanced at the treadmills. She was still there. Still trying to speed up. Her eyes filled with a fog, mind flying away from world around her. I knew it's a matter of minutes before her legs stop moving and she falls unconscious, hurting herself. I know it's probably none of my business, but I couldn't watch it. I asked a PT to get her off that treadmill, before something happens. He looked at me shocked, saying he doesn't understand what I mean. Even more shocked to hear the truth. How can I be sure? It took over 10 years of my life. I can see and sense it. Trust me. 
I left as he walked towards her. I didn't want to see her reaction, knowing well what it could be. Anger. That's what mine would be back then. If only anyone noticed.
On the way home, thoughts started coming to me. I tried to name my feelings. And my own feelings scared me. Part of me, that dark part, which I thought I killed, felt jealousy. The voice of my demon whispering - see you failed, you should be like her, she's thin, she's perfect. Part of me felt her pain, hoping for her to seek help, wanting to help her. Feeling angry and sad at the same time.
But it's the jealousy that scared me. I realised that I will never be free. I can lock the demons in the deepest part of my mind and swallow the key, they will always be there. They will always come back to me, bringing these unwanted feelings, yet so familiar. I realised, that they never left me and never will. I don't want to surrender. I don't want to lose any more of my life. I don't want to die for something some might call perfection. I want to live and be happy. Being thin doesn't make you happy. I've been there, I know. 
I had Eating Disorder. I made it fall into deep, restless sleep. I locked my demons. I thought I'm safe. But now I know I never will be. Whether it's the extra inch around my waist after having tub of Ben&Jerry's, old pair of jeans that shrunk in the wash and no longer fits or girl, who's who I used to be - all this can let the demons out. And I have to control them, fight them, not let them talk. Pushing past away is no an answer. Dealing with the past is the only way to the bright and happy future.
It was a break through. Seeing someone, who I was so recently made me realise how much I don't want to go back there. I'm even more determined to be healthy now. I want to eat right food, not to lose weight but to nourish my body. I want to work out not to lose weight but to build up strength of my muscles. 
And I am going to have that damn pizza and ice cream to follow and enjoy it without the guilt!!!

Skinny is so passée... Fit and healthy is a new trend.

Stay warm,
A xxx

P.S. I hope I will see her again. I want to try and talk to her. It helps to see yourself in someone else. This makes you see yourself the way others see you... 

Wednesday, 13 June 2012

Little Miss Versatile

Once again credits to Lynn via Baby Steps..., who tagged me to do this post. You got it right Homey, I am a versatile person and not ashamed to admit it:). Life, people I've met on my paths, books I've read and things I've seen made and still are making me, change and grow. I have moments, when I'm like a silly little girl and moments when I'm the most serious and mature person ever. Emotions...
So here's 5 facts about me most of you (some - all of you) don't know. Before proceeding to read, please be warned, some of it is very personal and in a way painful for me.I'll throw something funny at the end too, life isn't all serious after all, is it?
Deep breath and here we go...

1. I wasn't born in UK. I moved to this country number of years ago (getting lost trying to count, feels like I lived here forever). Ever since England was and I think always will be my home. That place on the planet, where I feel myself the most. All my family lives abroad and although I'm very close to them don't visit as often as I probably should. As the country they all live in always makes me miserable, I only fly over once a year. Having a full time busy job contributes to that as well.

2. I'm over sensitive. It's very easy to make me cry. I cry on Disney cartoons, romantic comedies, when read or see ill children, you name it, if it's even little sad, it makes me cry. Watching sad movies at the cinema is always little embarrassing, as I'm usually the only one in tears. I cry reading books, true stories in the magazines or papers. I cry when my friends are having problems waiting till they go home after crying on my shoulder and then crying myself. Sometimes I cry with them. I'm sad when animals suffer human cruelty, when cats or dogs get abandoned by their owners going on holiday. Cry when someone dies, even though I've never met that person. I cried when seen Edward Munch's Scream painting for the first time, I imagined what he felt painting it and felt so sorry for him.
Though when it comes to my own life and problems, I never cry. Just deal with it, that was always my attitude. I guess I might not have any tears left after all these sad movies I watch.
On the other hand I laugh a lot too and simple things make me happy. Seeing sun when I wake up in the morning, the coffee my boyfriend has ready for when I come home after hard day at work. First daisies in the spring, meeting the new born family member, or a friend's etc baby for the very first, with the little one looking at me with innocent curiosity, as if asking "who are you and do I like you?". Granit the cat curling up next to me in bed. Smell of new book I'm about to start reading. And many more.
Little things cause huge explosion of emotions. I just can't help it.

3. This is the most difficult one to tell. And the most intimate one. On 9th November 2009, around 11pm 19 year old girl I have never met before saved my life. I will start from the beginning.
I work in recruitment for food manufacturing and at that time I used to run a site office of the company, working in from 2pm till late. On that particular site we've employed around 300 people and my job was to make sure that clients are happy with the staff supplied etc. The poor excuse of a man, who I'm about to tell you all about was one of the employees.
The office was about 40mins drive from the city I live in. As most of our workers live here too, we provide transport for them to and from work. I was using this transport as well, as I don't drive. From my drop off point to my flat was about 2 mins walk. On that night I was at the front door of my building, when heard someone shouting my name. I turned around to see HIM. Newly employed guy, who got off the bus at the same stop as me. He was working there only for about a week or so, I knew his name and recognised him. I'm very good with names and faces, I suppose this is one of the things that make me good in what I do.
He asked me to stop, I asked what did he want. In response, he asked if I will take him home with me. Surprised and confused I asked him to leave and stop being silly. He said nobody would find out... My voice was strong when I repeated I want him to leave or I will call the police. I opened the door and made my way inside the building. He grabbed my arms and forced his way in. I couldn't move. He whispered into my ear, the voice that still haunts me sometimes and I will never forget. Take me to your home, he said. I cried, please leave me alone. And then he said it, and it became all clear what he wanted: "Take me to your home or I will fuck you here and kill you." These words I will never forget. I lived on the first floor. Although scared I didn't give in. I knew a guy who lived on the ground floor, rather big and strong man. I hoped he will be home. I told my attacker I live downstairs. Holding my arms he let me lead him to my neighbours door. I was holding my keys. When got to the door, he let one of my hands go to open it. I knocked. He must've realised I didn't live there. Put his shoulder around my neck, whispering same horrible words again. I tried to scream, but he put his hand on my mouth and nose. I tried to kick him, but was getting wicker and wicker. I remember, that all I could think was, that I'm going to die. I remember the darkness slowly flooding my mind. I closed my eyes, as if it could make the pain go away. I knew he will do what he said. I think I wasn't even scared anymore. I wanted it to be over. Even if over meant me being dead. Then I fell, next thing I remember is the young girl shaking me and screaming "are you ok?!".
She heard noise on the corridor and looked out to see him strangling me. She grabbed a kitchen knife and came out. HE got scared and ran away. Georgina, a 19 year old student, suffering from epilepsy triggered by stress, has saved my life. There are no words to express how grateful I am to You. But You know.
He was caught about a month later, hiding in his friend's house. Trial took place in June 2010 and he was sentenced to 33 months in prison for the attempted rape, after pleading not guilty right until the very last minute. He changed his plea while the representative of the prosecutor was on his way to bring me into the courtroom to testify. The evidence was CCTV footage from my building, my statement and statement of the girl who scared him away.
While giving the statement at the police station on that night and then again with the other officers, I've been told I was extremely focused and calm. As if I was telling someone about the movie I've watched, which didn't even touched me. Like a boring story, repeated just for the sake of it, with no emotions. I think all the emotions were hidden deep down and released when I was left alone or with people I trusted most.

It all changed me. For about  month I wouldn't leave my flat alone, always had to ask one of my closest friend to come with me. I would like to thank 2 of them who were always there, taking me to do my shopping, taking me to and from work from my doorstep. The ones I could ring at any time if I was scared. They will know I mean them, if they read this.
For a long time I would see HIS face every time I closed my eyes. I heard his voice in my dreams, whispering these words over and over again.
It wasn't till probably Christmas 2010, when I finally started getting back to normal. But my life wasn't and never will be the same. I still wonder, what would happen if Georgina didn't react to the noises. I probably wouldn't be writing this right now.
I now celebrate 2 Birthdays. The one when my mother pushed me out to the world and the one when someone saved what she has created.

4. I'm scared of cheese. Yes, that's right, cheese. I meant the "yellow" stuff sold in the supermarkets, that most people put on their sandwiches, melt on pizzas, etc. The texture, the colour, the smell. It scares me. Even a thought of eating it makes me panic. My face looks like I'm a bout to cry, my heart rate goes up as if I've just ran 3 marathons without stopping, I sweat. Classic symptoms of panic attack I suppose.
Most of people around me find it really funny, but for me it definitely isn't. I haven't eaten this sort of cheese for years now, and I'm not going to eat it ever again. Smell makes me feel slightly sick too. Even worse if cheese is melted. I remember ordering a pizza once and despite the fact that I told the nice man on the phone to make sure there's no cheese on there, I received my hot vegetariana with A LOT of melted yellow thing. I opened the box, the scent hit my nostrils and I couldn't help actually throwing up. Funny enough, if I'm having a pizza with someone else and this person has cheese on their's I'm fine. I think that it's more psychological here. As long as it's not on my plate and there is no way I can possibly be asked to eat it, I'm fine.
I like all the cream cheese, Philadelphia style, feta cheese and cottage cheese. Maybe because they're soft and have different kind of smell. No idea. I call it cheesephobia, I think I might be the only person on the world suffering from it haha.

5. I'm extremely self conscious. I always think I'm too big, not pretty enough etc. I work out a lot partly because I simply love it and partly because I want to improve how my body looks, become perfect, even though I know there is not such a thing. My thighs are the worst part. Being a runner means I have well developed thigh muscle, so obviously my legs will never be skeletal skinny. I don't want them to be, just for the record. But I get moments of being a complete idiot and confusing muscle with fat, even though I know there isn't much fat there.
My hair and skin are other things. I do have tendency to acne, nothing seems to clear it all. I can spend hours researching and testing new products, if you told me that putting mud from my garden will clear it, I would probably keep my face in the mud all day. That's how silly I can get. My hair is very thick and sometimes doesn't listen to me. I'm never happy with it, it's either too dry/too oily, too dark/too light etc. Finding a perfect hairdresser took me about 8 years and still think maybe I should keep looking.
I pay a lot of attention to what I wear and how I look. I would never leave the house in tracksuit. I'm not vein. I just don't like if people would laugh at me, because I'm wearing something that makes me look really ugly/big. That's just how I am. Trying to fight with it, since I've met my boyfriend and he compliments me even if I wear baggy PJs, I got a bit more confident. But still long way to go. I guess it's all because of the illness I suffered from in my teens, anorexia with bulimic tendencies. It's still haunting me sometimes, even though I'm now recovered and haven't relapsed for a long time.

This is me then. Now I'm going to hit the "Publish" button and let you all read it. I'm sorry if you find it intimidating. Especially no 3. I guess I wrote it for myself as well as for you all. Putting thoughts into words helps dealing with them and looking at it all from different perspective.
Thank you for taking your time to read it. Am I versatile? I think I am at least a little, like I said earlier. But it's not really me to judge :).

Stay warm xxx


I've been tagged to write all that will follow by by lovely friend Lynn via Baby Steps... blog (which I absolutely love). As I'm always up for anything like this, I though, hey why not (haha here we have the first why). I was meant to do it as a time killer on Friday, while on the way up north (4hr total on 3 trains, argh, but with someone special waiting at the last stop, so well worth the pain), but as I've just done workout planned for today and have some spare time, decided I will do it now.
So here it goes!!!

Why is it always raining when I have a day off work and sun comes out when I'm working? (weather is what drives me mad recently).

Why I always see something I want to buy day before payday, but when go to buy it the next day, it's no longer there?

Why people waste my time?

Why has day got only 24 hrs? I need at least 8 more to do everything I want and sleep.

Why does that dream dress look fabulous on the hanger, but when I put it on suddenly turns into the worse piece of clothing ever designed?

Why is time going really slow when we're waiting for something and super fast when it comes?

Why do I always forget to take the shopping list I've been preparing for a week when going food shopping?

Why there's no free tables at the only restaurant I want to go to?

Why are the bus drivers so rude, after all without passengers they wouldn't have a job?

Why would some people rather take money off the government than earn their living?

Why tomato is described as a fruit?

Why isn't banoffee pie classed as 1 of 5 a day, it does have bananas?

Why do some girls look gorgeous without make up and I have to use whole content of my make up bag to look at least half decent?

Why can't my skin be as good as the models on the advert of that spot treatment thing I'm using?

Why clothes shrink in the wash, even though I followed the instructions on the label?

Why do I wake up at silly o'clock every Sunday and can't open my eyes on a Monday?

Why is law in this country so ridiculous?

Why do I always crave chocolate once a month?

Why is male ladybird called ladybird as well?

Why films look so interesting on the trailers, but turn out to be very boring when watched in full?

Why am I always the last person to understand a naughty joke?

Why do I like Winnie the Pooh cartoons so much, apparently I'm too old for them?

Right, this would be it. Can't think of any more whys at the moment, normally I ask loads of "why" questions, always nosy and curious abut everything and when I finally have chance to put them all in one place my mind is completely empty? WHY?

Have a great evening xx